im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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