im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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