Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
