hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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