we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
