so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
