dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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