you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
