....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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