cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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