i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
