thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.