How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
