Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
