dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
