Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
