I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
