We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...