Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
