Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
