i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
