booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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