bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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