i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
