Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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