sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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