after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
