I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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