You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
