I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
FUCK WHALES
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
