Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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