Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
