Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
