I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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