I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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