Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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