I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I did not marry a roomba.
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