Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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