If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
