Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
