the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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