I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
