saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
