i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My vagina is officially offended.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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