I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
