it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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