I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
