Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
