I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
