So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
