dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.