I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
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Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.