Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
