so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
