i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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