final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
