$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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